I have been excitable all week and it is getting more and more intense. I am going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow morning for an assessment. I am apprehensive that if things don't go the way I am expecting, I will fly off the handle and go awol. I just know there is something there that needs addressing, among my other 'issues'. I did this only a couple of weekends ago, I went to A and E, then to the GP, who sent me to the crisis team, who sent me back to the GP, then to A and E for a second round, round and round in circles, weeeeeee. All went not at all to plan, I was trying to get help and was pushed back. So I quit my shifts for the weekend and went on a huge bender drinking all weekend and sleeping literally for 24 hours after that. I am surprised I didn't kill myself, the amount of alcohol I drank. I spent hours continuously on the phone to different people, listening to trance music and bouncing around my flat with my passport and suitcase (unpacked might I add!) telling people I was going away somewhere and never coming back - I really believed what I was saying. Then after 7 hours of this, I crashed.
I don't want this to be a negative post, I just want to get assessed, diagnosed and helped. Not too much to ask right? We shall see.....
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It has been a while....
I went into a very dark place last year. I turned my phone off shortly after my last post in August 2017 and I shut down from everyone and everything. Luckily, I could see that I needed to go to work to pay the bills. Besides that, I literally shut down, from my friends (some of whom I have lost, but hey ho, if they were really my friends, they would have stuck around like those who have), my selected family members who I talk to, the GP, my now ex therapist, anyone you can think of. What kept me going to the point that I am still alive today? My support worker role really held me together during this time and, I think, also helped to bring me out of such a dark phase and back into reality. Going to do shifts there helps me so much. It validates my feelings of self-worth and I feel so purposeful and worthwhile whilst I am there. That, and decluttering, culling, leaving just those people who matter and have stuck by me and actually like and love me for being me. I made a lot of new friends over 2015 - 2017, some of whom are still in my life, others I have lost and others, well better off in the past. I also learnt a lot more about myself over 2017 as a result of going into crisis a fair few times and reflecting on where I am at and how far I have come since my first big crisis in 2014. I have come so far. I need to recognise that. I made it through Christmas by going to my friend's house and it was lovely, so nice and homely. I went to Amsterdam with my sister for New Year, that was eventful, we fell out a few times including new years eve, hey ho! That was last year. Moving on! I have made a few agreements with myself this year, one of them is to use all the skills, resilience and strength that I have inside me to stay on the 'straight and narrow' whatever that is. And to accept that if I do go into crisis, to seek help and accept it and to acknowledge that that is OK. I am not a failure for it (even though I will think that at the time!). I personally have found Twitter to be a huge source of support as well, to know that I am not the only one out there suffering from the terrible challenges of mental health. Some days, just seeing people's posts, helps to keep me going. Other days, I find myself being a source of support to others, which by now you have probably figured, I get a lot from doing! So thank you for reading my blog and welcoming me back to life. Bexy xxx So, it has been a month since my last update.
I went down.... like a led balloon. Long story short, I am big time depressed, feel worthless and get up, go to work, go home, wash eat and sleep. Then I do it all again the next day. I have stopped going to therapy and wont engage with any mental health services. I have no motivation for anything other than to go to work to earn the money I need to have a roof over my head. This year has been all too much, so many emotions rocked and played with and really, quite frankly, I am tired, exhausted, just let me be. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope you are all doing OK and are well - thank you for reading xx I haven't updated for a week or so.
Here's what's been happening in my 'very' exciting life. . . I have been to work, been to even more work, seen some friends and I have given myself the space to do lots of reflecting and thinking about what I want out of life. I have made some pretty big decisions and set goals to achieve them. In my reflection, I have also recognised that they will take time and effort on my part and that if I really want them to happen, they will. It is like a little piece of the old me has returned from 8 - 10 years ago when I was driven in my life to achieve. I have been to therapy and in the last two sessions, I really feel like I have come a long way, and I can see and feel myself transforming, which sort of makes some sense after having a crisis in between sessions, and reflecting on the way I would like my life to be. I have been so incredibly honest with myself over the last month, since my crisis. Reflecting on what I think lead me to be so impulsive and out of control to the point that I was sectioned and why I didn't go into myself and self-harm with alcohol like I typically would. I have also thought a lot about the resources that I have within me and around me and how that can help me to stay in a sort of 'middle ground'. I have some more time and space to reflect and let my mind rest, given that I have stopped drinking except when with others, socially since my crisis. At one point, I was going to stop drinking alcohol altogether, then I realised for me, to normalise it, I could come to an arrangement with myself to only drink when with others in a social setting. This journey isn't going to be easy and there will of course be more bumps and crashes along the way and things I need to deal with. In a way, having my recent crisis has helped to clarify my life and helped me to see what it is I want out of this life. I read an article about transforming rather than recovery as a means to explain change in one's state of mental health. It really captured my thoughts around how I see myself and in turn my own health and wellbeing. Here's to the future of my existence on this planet! I made it through a whole day at work! :-D
That is enough success for me today. After my 'blip' on Thursday, not making it into work, I went to therapy on Friday. I acknowledged that I didn't want to be there and that I nearly didn't show up. I opened up as the session went on. The therapist reminded me that we agreed seven sessions and are coming up for the fifth session and that we can discuss next time what happens from there. Instant irrational feelings of rejection and abandonment.
I went to work for half a day on Friday then took leave in the afternoon. I went to do a shift as support worker on Saturday which was fun, then to friends for some drinks. Today I have been to Chesterfield to have lunch with my sis and then we went to the hospital to see our uncle. He is still very unwell and in intensive care, but he smiled a few times which is amazing! :-) It's been a busy week and lots of different things have happened. Resting this evening ready for work tomorrow morning. A terrible day today.
Called off sick from work. Totally gutted and have beat myself up about it. I spent most of the day asleep, wanting to not wake up and to avoid existing. Made myself get up and clean the flat - I find that helps to exert some energy when I have days like this - and did a little food shop. Tomorrow is another day I guess. I just hope I don't feel like this again tomorrow. I am losing my passion and interest for things I usually find comfort or distraction in.
I'm hoping this is just a phase that will pass in a few hours. Not good. Literally I am buzzing.
Tonight I did a cafe psychology with Elaine on: Attachment. The turn out was incredible and I feel so validated. A whole load of people just sat and listened to me and what I had to say about attachment. Me! Then gave positive feedback! So amazing! No internet at the moment so I am writing this from my phone.
I went to therapy on friday. It was very insightful and good to talk too. I have started back on the dating scene too, went on a date Friday evening - yeah I have parked that one... nice guy, not for me. Did a shift and then went out for some drinks last night in town, lots of fun and got chatted up and an attempted kiss from the guy. Its nice, I just wish it was easier than this to find someone to be attracted to and want to be with! I shall plough on attempting to find 'the one' 💕 Or at least someone who wants me and what I want in life... Since my crisis, I have made a few life plans, so it's helped me in some kind of way to evaluate things. To be continued.... Today I went for lunch with Elaine and then we went over to Alice and Kate's for a cuppa. Might have an early night ready for work tomorrow. I hope everyone is doing ok today. |
AuthorBex Savage Archives
September 2017
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